Unraveled: Saying Goodbye To My Father
Unraveled.
The apt word my friend used to describe a season of grief of watching a loved one transition from this place into a new realm. Exhausted, raw and torn between the desire to see my dad pain free and to “keep” him with us.
My sweet friend stood at my doorway with a small bouquet of spring flowers. It had been a tortuous season of hospitals, rehabs, moving into a safer facility for my dad watching him suffer intense mental, physical and emotional stress.
She had been my safe place to share the bouncing emotions I have been feeling in the last 5 years.
Have you ever watched someone suffer so deeply you longed to see them set free from a crippled body after they have lived a long and fruitful life?
If you are there I’m here to tell you that you will get through this season.
Dad was due to turn 93 on April 9, 2026. Yet, I looked to him for comfort. “Everything’s going to be okay, Kelly.”
He named me. And he expected great things for me. I worked hard to be a good wife, mother and daughter.
It took me years to write a book I had help crafting. It was only because of the many people who came along side of me to accomplish this book that it was published. One generous woman and her husband gave me the finances to finish the work. That is my suspense novel Stealth.
The force behind my thriller was our heavenly father. Had I not had the passion to release this book it would not have been possible.
He is a father so different than even the most loving earthly father.
He “gets” us and loves us so completely it may take a devastating disappointment to understand the depth of his love.
How could my earthly father tell me that my published book was “too late?” The criticism didn’t finish there. Pointing to a novel by an author whose name you’d recognize, he went on to tell me, “this author churns out several books a year.”
This man had pushed me to use my talent of writing all my life. From the time I was a little girl and through my adult years. Finally, to let me know in this blunt unkind way that I hadn’t met his timeline.
Don’t get me wrong. My dad was a good father. He disciplined with love and treated all of his children with a measure of respect and whimsy. I will remember his humor long after he is gone. In fact, dad took me to my weekly chemotherapy infusions while I battled cancer. I’m cancer free now and dad’s help was integral to my healing.
But that day after his harsh declaration I’d cease to live for my earthly father’s approval. And I had an even harder time visiting him, bringing him food, spending time in his company. But, I did it for love’s sake.
How do you ever come back from that? What may have destroyed a relationship only served to drive me to God in heaven. Who is the only perfect father. I came to “know” the scriptures that I’d been reading for over 40 years in a deeper way.
Through a relationship with him I felt God’s love. A love that he has for every human being. It is undeserving, unconditional and unmatched by any other. Jeremiah 31:3 states “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”
Here’s what I learned in a new way.
We are loved beyond measure.
He is pleased with us.
He loves to spend time with us.
He is proud of us.
He is our greatest comforter, healer, wise counselor, protector and truly knows how we were made.
On Palm Sunday in the afternoon I was driving to run some errands I hadn’t been able to do with spending so much time at my brother’s house where mom cared for our dad.
An intense desire to talk to dad one more time caused me to turn the car around. I arrived at my brother’s home 20 minutes later.
Dad was struggling to breathe. He’d suffered from Rheumatoid Arthritis, spinal stenosis and lived in pain for years. To go ‘home’ was his request.
His face gaunt and large frame now too thin to support him. He appeared so fragile. In the end dad had limited sight, hearing and lost the ability to feed himself.
He and I had already talked about his response to my announcement that I’d published my first novel. I told him how sad I was for him to discount my accomplishment in that manner. He had apologized and I burst into tears as he shuffled over to give me a hug. Yet, there had been an underlying “block” between us despite his apology.
I knew that I needed to let go of the past and pray for him to enter his glorious future in heaven.
Sometimes the pain is so deep we need to let it go and start fresh.
I told dad many things during that last time I saw him. He appeared to be asleep but I knew he could hear what I was telling him. A few of the things I will share with you are that I loved him. I’d miss him. He was always smiling and was one of the most generous men I know. When I spoke the words “I forgive you dad” a heavy weight lifted from my spirit.
I’m grateful I had those last few moments with him before he passed several hours later. I know I’ll see my dad on the other side. I know he is with Jesus. He has a huge smile on his face and his body is brand new. What a beautiful day it will be when I see him again.
For now, I have peace that ‘everything is going to be okay.’